Who Are The Players In Your Blame Game?

This is adapted from an earlier blog and yet it seems such a good reminder to all.  So often we base our feelings on others actions - this is never useful and typically does not end well.  I am reposting as a reminder because it is a lesson which will be helpful for anyone trying to avoid negative feelings with food or wine when others "let you down".  Remember - it is your thoughts of them that make you feel let down - they alone do not have the power.  Take ownership of your own feelings and you are able to step out of the victim mode and create the life you dream of.  Enjoy!

It’s not your significant others job to make you happy. Say what? Yes, you heard me correctly - it’s never somebody else’s job to make you happy. We were never given a class about how to be an emotional adult, most of us are stuck in a state of emotional childhood, and even more of you may have no idea what I am talking about.

Most of you reading this consider yourselves adults. You may all look like adults and “act” like adults, but in actuality you are functioning as emotional children, locked in a state of blame. Emotional childhood is when grown adults have not matured past childhood in terms of managing their emotions. It is when you do not take responsibility for how you feel. You blame the ex-husband, our boss, the government, the economy, the weather, or your childhood for how you feel, how you act, and what your results are. Why on earth are you willing to give others such an enormous amount of power?

The fact is, you are in complete control of what you think and how you act. Nobody “makes” us feel a certain way. You have thoughts about what these people or circumstances do, and those thoughts trigger our feelings. This thinking is perpetuated as children are told comments “you have to say sorry to Jessica because you hurt her feelings”, or “did that boy hurt your feelings when he said those mean words to you?”. Children are taught that other people are responsible for how they feel and this pattern becomes ingrained to a point where we don’t even notice how disempowering it really is.

When you are functioning as an emotional adult you take full ownership of your feelings. You take full responsibility for your pain and for your joy. You do not expect others to “make” you happy. By the way - if we can’t make ourselves happy why do we think someone else can accomplish that feat? As an emotional adult you do not expect others to “make” you feel secure. You understand that you are the only ones who can hurt your own feelings based on the thoughts you choose. You are much more empowered acting from a state of emotional adulthood.  

Now don’t misunderstand this as when you act more like an emotional adult you stop caring for others. It’s not that at all. In fact, what happens is you realize you don’t have to control others in order for them to act a certain way, to make you happy. A relationship can blossom when two people come together, agree to meet their own needs first, meet in the middle, and truly enjoy their time together. Instead of two becoming one, and each losing half, two come together and act as a team. Everyone gets to be who they truly are, and live in a place of integrity. Imagine the freedom!

Each week I offer 2 free mini sessions, first come first serve, to women who have had weight loss surgery and find themselves still struggling with food, or have developed a new struggle with overdrinking.  If you want to feel more in control and peaceful  Sign up here to discuss how my program may help you.  Once you sign up you will receive a call in number and appointment reminder.  Some may not be a fit, and that is fine - I consider it a privilege to offer free help in advance.